1 in 4

By Aimee on

Trigger Warning - Miscarriage

1 in 4. I became that statistic back in November when we went through our first miscarriage. We had been trying for baby number 2 for a short time and thought we would get pregnant just as quickly as we did with our daughter. And we did, in a confusing sort of way. You see, with this one I miscarried before I even knew I was pregnant. Some would call that a biochemical pregnancy but I’m not sure I like that term. I had some bleeding one night. Bleeding that was unusual to me and I had this gut feeling that I had miscarried. The next morning I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. which broke my heart because I knew what had happened.

It was a Saturday and I had to find a doctor that was open. He got me to start some blood tests for HCG and then sent me to the hospital for an Anti-D shot as I have a negative blood type. The hospital also tested my HCG. The results of that showing a very low number. After more tests over the next few days and weeks it showed a decline back to zero. It was over.

As we hadn’t made a connection to this little bean before discovering what had already happened I felt comfortable in trying again straight away. I was sad but feeling ok.

I had one menstrual cycle and then fell pregnant again. Little did I know my statistic was about to change to 1 in 50. I thought I’d had my period a few days earlier than expected. Nothing funny about it either besides the timing. All experiences normal to me. But then I had a dream. I couldn’t even tell you now what had happened in this dream other than I woke up, raced to the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. It was a very very strong positive. I was so unbelievably excited. I raced back to bed to tell Sam and we hugged and smiled and everything felt right in the world. I booked a doctors appointment and he told me to do the HCG tests again to make sure this pregnancy was viable. I put them off for a week as I was going to Perth for a weekend. I told my best friend because she kept offering me wine and we had a squeal of delight together. I even bought this little bean an outfit as I had so much hope and planned on how I was going to tell everyone. I love a big surprise.

I had my blood tests and the doctor said all looked well. However he only had one result back but said that one number was good. A few days later I had some bleeding. Nothing that worried me too much as I had some bleeding in early pregnancy with our daughter but decided to keep an eye on it. I spotted for the next few days and thought, I better go in because of my blood type.

They took more blood tests that day, scanned me and my little bean was there, maybe a week behind in size but as I had previously miscarried and hadn’t had a scan yet I wasn’t 100% sure of my dates. No heartbeat but again, the size was about 5ish weeks along and that isn’t uncommon. I still had hope.

Until they told me my blood results had dropped. They said I would likely miscarry and I had to choose what to do. I needed time. Sam came and picked me up from the hospital. I had been there all day and I needed him to drive. I felt like I could barely function. I was going to lose this one too. It was now a waiting game. I chose to pass this one naturally because I trusted my body. I birthed our girl with no pain medication and felt like I could do this too. A week went by and some light bleeding had started.The next scan showed no growth and some of the sac had come away.

They were worried about a molar pregnancy at this point as my HCG had risen again. But a second scan later that day cleared that up but put me on edge until then. I know they say not to google but seriously don’t google! Molar pregnancy’s are scary.

Half a week later I passed the little beany. I think I was at work when this happened but couldn’t be sure so threw myself into my new job and held it together. Except at home I wasn’t really holding it together. I knew I was having a hormone drop and felt like I was getting the baby blues all over again. It wasn’t very nice. A few days later I had another scan saying what I thought, most of my uterus was clear now, just some lining to go. I thought cool, my body is doing what it is meant to. I’ll give it another week to see if it does it itself. The doctors were happy with that and sent me on my way.

More bleeding in this week left me hopeful that this was almost over. But the scan 10 days after the last one showed some tissue with blood flow to it that wasn’t budging. In came the Misoprostol. This stuff usually works but not always. Causes some pretty annoying side effects but mostly is meant to help expel ‘remained products of conception’ so the leaflet said. I took some then and there in the hospital. My little girl not straying very far from me. She knew I had been sad the past few weeks and she voiced her worries. They took some blood too for good measure. Following day I had to take more and took the day off of work.

It has been a week now and nothing has really happened, light cramping… no expected results… I am ready to move on and feel like I am being held back. So as of today, and yet another scan, that showed no budge in the remaining tissue, I have booked myself in for a D&C. It isn’t what I ideally wanted but am glad I have this option available to me.

It may take us some time to come back from this. And that’s ok. I have many wonderful things in my life right now. A new role within my current company with amazing people to work with. A cat who loves me just as much as I love him. A beautiful daughter who as challenging as she is, is hilarious and wonderful and thoughtful all at the same time and growing so much lately. And above all, my Husband. Who worries, and loves, and teaches, and is my pillar of strength. He gets tattoos with me, and goes along with my crazy ideas, and holds everything up to let me grieve. Then we swap so he can grieve this loss too. We balance each other so well and I am so grateful to have him. He is a wonderful Father to our girl and will be a wonderful father again when we get our rainbow baby. Whether that happens next time we fall pregnant or whether we have a few more statistic changes in us. I know he’s there for me, and me for him. And both of us are here for our children.

My loves